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Shame on me…

April 14, 2011

I haven’t posted in a while, and I’m sorry — now that I know I have more than one reader! (Almost put two spaces there, until I remembered that’s not right anymore….) I haven’t been posting because I simply haven’t had anything to do except complain. Life is a little crazy right now. My job is conducting a large data migration and it’s left everyone drained and really unable to talk about anything else. I find myself nearly in a catatonic stupor when I get home. That’s not to say there aren’t plenty of people that work much harder than I (I’m talking to you Rebecca Roberts).

So, I haven’t posted. But, today I got to thinking about something a very wise soul told me a couple of days ago.  She said that I’m simply too hard on myself. While training another person, I think I said, “I’m sorry” about fifty times today. But this wise soul I’m talking about was in a meeting with me, when I said “I will probably forget, I’m so forgetful.”  Afterward, she got very serious and told me to stop doing that. But she said it with such respect and “You-are-so-much-better-than-that” attitude, I was a little taken-aback.  That’s not a bad thing. For a moment, I was rendered a little speechless. It was later I started thinking about what she’d said and really considered its meaning.

There are some flaws I’d like to share:

1) I’m very self-concious

2) I’m very concerned with what other people think of me

3) I’m quick to judge, but hate when people do the same to me

4) I’m insecure

These four things about me completely and utterly take over every aspect of my life. I’m always one to say I’m sorry, because I’m quick to take blame. I’d rather get it over with and move on then figure out why it happened in the first place. That’s no way to learn from your mistakes. I also will take on any task you give me, whether I have time to do it, or not. I’m superwoman, HELLO!! (I almost wrote “I wish” right after that, but I think it would just portray a flaw from above.)

During this data migration, I’m responsible for ensuring that all the new project managers are well versed in the project management I’ve been doing for about a year now. That kind of work can’t be taught in just a few dates. It’s going to take weeks. But knowing that things will change leads me to say things like “I’m sorry” all the time and harbor feelings that people will think I sucked at my job or didn’t do it right, or wasn’t organized enough, or not responsible enough, and any other flaw added here. I think other people are judging me ALL. THE. TIME!  (They aren’t I know, I really do know.)

Of course, this blog wasn’t meant to label all my flaws. While I was thinking about what Ms. Wise Soul told me, I thought about all the things she probably really enjoys about me, and what other people I hang out with, talk to, and interact with think about me as well.

These are some of the wonderful things I’d like to share:

1) I’m relatable. (My boss thinks so). My clients are always telling me how wonderful it is to hear such a soothing voice after feeling lost in other aspects of their book process.

2) I’m funny. Something, whether bad or good, will always come out of my mouth — and one person is bound to laugh. I love hearing other people laugh.

3) The new girl said I trained well. At one point (after she’d heard me say I’m sorry 50 million times) told me I was a good trainer. That made my heart melt. I love nothing more than sharing what I do with others.

4) I have talent. I work hard, and I’m a valuable asset to my company and the marketing department. Although I think I forget things, if someone asks me a question about an author, it’s not usual for me to look it up. I can usually respond off the cuff with the most up-to-date information. I’ve been told from others they are constantly fascinated by that talent.

5) I can sing. I LOVE to sing, and I love making music, playing guitar, and writing.

6) My friends enjoy my company. (They keep inviting me back I assume that’s true)

Everything is context, you just have to remember context. Thanks Ms. Wise Soul, for giving me my moral for this blog. You can’t forget what’s real. Don’t forget who you really are in the madness. Because you are so much more than you tell yourself.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. S. Love permalink
    April 15, 2011 8:05 am

    I agree! You are relatable; funny; amazing at your job and in possession of boundless talent. And now I’ve found out you can sing too! You’re pretty dope. Thanks for a great post.

  2. Sandy permalink
    April 15, 2011 9:36 am

    I love this post! Sometimes it really helps to be reminded of all the good things about yourself–whether it’s through talking about it, writing it out, etc. It’s too easy to give in to thinking “I’m not good enough” or “she/he is so much better.” I think we all fall into that time and time again.

    It’s a matter of taking the bad and using it to make yourself stronger. You have soooo many good qualities that you should embrace (many that I admire, and envy). You just need to take that confidence, knowledge and assurance that you use so well with authors and apply it to everything in your life 🙂

    That said, it helps to have friends to support and encourage each other. I like how you pointed out how women never seem to be satisfied with their appearance, and no matter how confident you are it helps to hear “you look nice.”

  3. Susan permalink
    April 16, 2011 3:54 pm

    I heart you! Great post. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Not many people can say they built the process they are training on. You ae rnot just passing on someone else’s ideas, you are passing on a part of yourself.

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